I’m feeling very odd tonight. I went to bed a little early so I could finish Microserfs by Douglas Coupland and try to get my body into some kind of routine. Microserfs captured my attention like nothing has in a very long time. I found myself getting pulled into the descriptions of their day to day lives, and actually caring about these fictional people I had never met. And it made me think.
I’m scared. I’m at a strange point in my life for me, and I’m afraid that I’m not ever going to come out of it. I’m 24 years old, I’m overweight and unemployed, with very little ambition and even less money. I can barely afford to feed myself and my cat (Winter). I never wanted to post anything like these before because it just seemed like so much whining, like I was complaining about the hand life had dealt me. I’m really not. I’m blessed in a lot of ways. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a little bit of money and core group of dear friends who make me feel like I’m more then just the next piece of meat. But I’m afraid. I’m scared and I’m terrified that I’m moving into a period of my life where everything I am and everything I have just isn’t good enough, and won’t ever be good enough. And I’m the only one who can change that, the only one who can turn my life around and make me take stock of everything and move on…but I don’t know if I trust myself to do that. I feel alone and cut adrift, like I’m surrounded by groups of people who I care for, and who care for me, but for whatever reason I can’t reach out to them, I can’t tell them what I’m feeling and I can’t tell them why I’m afraid…not without damaging something, or straining the fabric of our relationship. So I end up hiding. Hiding behind video game personas, role playing personas, online personas, in person personas…and I get so lost behind it all that I just don’t know where I am. Reading what I’ve written it makes me realize how hokey it all sounds, and just further serves to enforce the fact that I just don’t think I can tell anyone…anything. Is it trust? I don’t really know. All of these people have given me ample reasons to trust them, and none of them have shown me that I shouldn’t trust them…and yet I’m so afarid of the hurt and rejection that will come with being told “suck it up” or “oh jeez that’s too bad”, like I’m some kind of creatures with a fatal dieses that nobody wants to get too close to. I’m sure that if anyone still actually reads this space they’re thinking “Oh boy, here he goes on another emotional rollercoaster.” I won’t say I can’t help it, that’s basically a cop out. What I will say is that I am an emotional person, that’s just who I am. When I hold things inside of me and I don’t say the things I’m feeling or thinking I start to fall apart, like I’m literally shaking down the foundation of myself with the force of the thoughts that just want to get outside of me. So I can’t tell anyone. I can’t talk to anyone about the fears and the weakness inside myself because it will just serve to push me further away from the people I want to be close to. What’s happened to me? Have I always been like this? People who have known me for long will probably say yes, to be honest I don’t know why I still have the friends I do. Obviously there must be things about me that people like, but I’m not 100% sure what those things are. I’m sick of being a dissapointment…I’m sick of being a failure, of being this pathetic waste of fat that just sits in his chair all day and can never seem to get anything right. How do I fix it? Why am I so afraid of taking the lengthy journey to fix things that I would rather sit in the short term and just wallow in ym own misery. It’s pathetic.
I have thought seriously about suicide again for the first time in many years. My loan would be paid off, my debts would be taken care of, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the fear and the uncertainty that is every day life for me. IS it running? Hell yes, I’m running away from life because it’s so painful. Can I do it? WILL I do it? I doubt it to be honest. I’m too much of a coward and have far too much vested self interest to end my own life, although I’d be lying if I said it was anything other then a temptation. One of my concerns is that I would leave this world without having fixed the stain I’ve left on it. I would never be able to prove myself to my father, or to make enough of a success of myself that my mother will stop thinking that she was a terrible mother. But I’m so tired of my only reasons for living being fear and other people. I know I’ve been selfish, but I think I can also say with certainty that I’ve gone out fo my way to make life easier for friends and family and fellow man around me. Yet dispite that I just can’t seem to grow up, can’t seem to move past the young adult living in his basement and mooching off friends and family rut I’m gotten into. How do I fix it? I bet no one else can tell me. I bet this is one of those things I have to start on my own, and that people can give me adivce along the way, but only I can finish. And would I even trust people’s advice? I have all of this anger. This rage, this furstration with how I’ve been treated by a small few that it bleeds over into how I treat the people around me. Into paranoia, anger and downright hostility. Again, these are changes only I can make, but it just seems like such an impossible journey from where I’m standing. Am I unwilling to pay my dues? Is that it? Have I not paid the same price that the rest of society has? I seriously don’t know. I should sleep now, but all I want to do is go to Timmies for a sandwich and walk around in the air. I’m sure that wouldn’t last long in the temperatures outside, maybe not even longer then eating and coming home, which would be a waste of money I need to buy groceries. Funny how needs have to come before comforts when you’re in a rut like this. I want to be able to go out and get something, to have that freedom. But I’ve backed myself into this corner and I don’t know if I can get otu of it. I’m rambling now, and I think I’ve managed to say everything I wanted to say.
It’s funny. Assuming that no one is reading this anymore, and that I’m writing this soley for my benefit, it’s much easier to write here. The only criticism I need to worry about is my own.
Music in my Head: Don’t Fear the Reaper by I honestly don’t know, but I’ve had the soft tunes in me head for several horus.
Whoo, not quite half a year between posts, I think I’m setting a new record for myself. The major problem I have with posting here is that I only really seem to do that when I have something to bitch about or something that’s bugging me. Guess what? It’s that time again.
Unemployed as of the 23rd of Nov. It’s turning out to be far more frightening then I thought it would be, I feel very much like I have basically no control over my own future. Which is ridiculous, and hopefully will dissapear once I find a new job, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s how I end up feeling. Upside: UI will be coming soon, and ideally that will keep my head above water until I can find my feet again.
Depression seems to be in full swing as of my lay off, but when I’m conciously aware of it I do my best to try and power through it. Medication is running low by neccesity, but I think I can get by without it. I’m feeling oddly creative despite the influx of downess, which is making me feel a little better about everything. My addiction to Goth/Industrial music has blossomed full swing and I know I’ll be investing in a whole slew of new CD’s when I have free money again, damn you K! Damn you! Ahem. That’s right, I blame my music addiction soley on someone else, not my fault, not at all, nope, no way.
I need to get out of “The House” more, or at least have people over for hanging out and such more often. I’m thinking maybe a monthly or bi-weekly or weekly board game night or Resident Evil night or something like that. It would be nice to get back into the swing of things socially. Guess what? Resident Evil 4 is nearly out, so that would give me a perfect excuse.
That’s about it for updates at the moment. Gave the flirty girl at Timmies my phone number and it made her blush and such, so ideally I’ll be hearing from her soon. Well, that’s it for now.